Day 1: Defeat, A silly impossible quest

At the end of the first day, I have given up on happiness. I realized it is not what I truly seek and indeed seeking it is fruitless. Underneath happy moments is a fear of their loss and a greed for more. Thus, they cannot be sustained. I was on a date with this beautiful girl and I commented to her that I was surprised how comfortable she was with eye contact because a lot of people I just meet, especially girls, are not. She said she trained herself when she was a kid, and then commented that my eyes, despite staring boldly, looked as though they were looking for something, and that was making her a bit uncomfortable. And I checked myself on the inside to see if what she said was true, and indeed it was. Though I thought I was having a fun time, I was uneasy, looking to impress or seize the moment and see what ends up on my "does it make me happy?" blog. Still, I though the day had gone great overall, I'd faced some fears and told my mother, sister and friends I loved them, something I don't often do mostly out of restricted fear. I also argued with them about this blog, many not being too in favor of it, because it seemed too hedonistic and exhibitionist. My only response was have faith in me.

And then I made my way to Bikram Yoga, a 90 minute self described "torture chamber" done in a 110 degree humid room designed to open and still body and mind. It was uneasy as always, with anxiety and fear running through me throughout, until one of the last poses, a hamstring stretch that I have an impossible time with but gave my all this time around. Immediately I felt a release, a defeat, a surrender, a lightness, a desperation. I remembered that what I want is not happiness, but God, that most nebulous concept that here I will equate with true peace of mind, true defeat, true surrender, ultimate unshakable completeness. What I want is freedom from happiness itself, from the ups and downs, from the need to control my reality, from myself and everyone else. Tonight, every other goal, even happiness, seems absurd. Joy, like all emotions is fleeting, and I am tired of the fleeting. I'm even tired of life. But stay tuned, I have faith, faith that I can be empty, clean, innocent and free as a newborn baby or an ocean wave. But trying to chase joy does not seem like the way to go about it. Imagine you're perfectly happy and are eating a fantastic sandwich, then bam you see a starving child or a crying mom or you think of some work you have to do, how can you stay happy? But I have faith that there is a peace that is here that is untouchable by joy or sorrow or anything human.

In my heart, in your heart, in everyone's heart, we know that's what we want, and we know how to get it, we just get caught up in silly pursuits like careers or working out or making money or finding romance or writing a blog. It may or may not cost us everything we think we need, but it's the only thing we need.

And so, I'd like to end this post with 2 things, a song of defeat and grace:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3mbigRjqNk

and a surrender speech I learned back in middle school, from Chief Joseph at Bears Paw Battle in October 5, 1877:

"Tell General Howard I know his Heart. What He told me before I have in my heart. I am tired of fighting, Looking Glass is dead. too-Hul-hul-sote is dead. The old men are all dead. It is the young men who say yes or no. He who led on the young men is dead. It is cold and we have no blankets. The little children are freezing to death. My people, some of them have run away to the hills, and have no blankets, no food; no one knows where they are--perhaps freezing to death. I want to have time to look for my children and see how many of them I can find. Maybe I shall find them among the dead. Hear me, my chiefs. I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever."